Boston, MA = +45 pts

It turns out that I'll be working from home this week, so my time in Boston is over... for now.

The points have been tallied, and Boston comes in at a presumably respectable +45 pts. But the points are arbitrary and there aren't any other cities to compare to so who really knows? It sounds respectable at least.

Highlights of the trip include some guy named Mafioni, a bagpipe parade, and the Freedom Trail.

Until next time Boston.

Cheers (+8 pts)

Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Luckily, taking a break from all your worries sure can help a lot.

Last night we took a break from all our worries and ate at a "Cheers" replica bar. The set of the show was modeled after the Bull & Finch Pub which is in the Beacon Hill area of Boston. Unfortunately, there is no "Frasier" bar that spun off so we were not able to eat there. But the food was good.

Also, Ted Danson is a stud.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = +45 pts

Mafio? (+4 pts)

I ordered some lunch at Au Bon Pain (The Good Bread as I call it) and the nice lady taking my order asked for my name. I, as you might have expected, said, "Matthew". As you may not have expected, she wrote down "Mafio". Life throws you curveballs some times. Make lemonade. (I had a Coke)

I guess if you say "Matthew" in a really funny accent it could sound like "Mafio" (I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here Good Bread order-taker lady). More importantly, it is extremely close to "Mafioni" which is one of my favorite names of all time ever, so I was pretty excited.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = +37 pts

Freedom Trail (+43 pts)

I had the morning off today, so I decided to do a little sight-seeing around Boston. In deference to the city's history, I felt that it would be appropriate to follow what is called "Freedom Trail", which is a path that takes visitors past some of the most important sites involved in the American Revolution and our country's founding. Places like Granary Burying Ground (where Samuel Adams, John Hancock, and Paul Revere are buried), the site of the Boston Massacre, the Old North Church (where Paul Revere hung two lanterns to warn of an impending British attack), and the Bunker Hill Monument.

I only got about halfway through the trail before lunch, because I have to read every single informational plaque that I come across in its entirety. My mildly OCD-esque tendencies make for slow going, but I do learn quite a bit and the history of the city is extremely fascinating. I'm going to attempt to finish off the rest of the trail this evening, but what I've seen so far has already made my time in Boston well worth it.

Cumulative Score:

Boston, MA = +33 pts

Grown man in a "Textually Active" shirt (-17 pts)

That's really all I need to say, but I'll add that there was also an emoticon smiley face on the shirt.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = -10 pts

Bagpipe parade (+6 pts)

I was sitting in the office this morning when I heard the distant strains of a bagpipe, which it turns out is a much more soothing sound than the nearby strains of a bagpipe. I made my way to the window and saw that a group of about 30 bagpipe players (bagpipers?) was marching down the street, followed shortly by a drum line. I don't know what the parade was for, but I can only assume, as I do with all parades, that it was in my honor.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = +7 pts

S.C.R.O.D. at the Salty Dog Cafe (+13 pts)

I ate at the Salty Dog Cafe in Quincy Market tonight because I've been craving clam chowder ever since I got to Boston. The clam chowder was very good, but what really got my attention was the description of the Fisherman's Platter: "clams, scallops, shrimp, and scrod."

What was this mysterious "scrod."? Was it an abbreviation for a fish I'd never heard of before? Or was it just an unnecessary period at the end of a menu item description? Being a naturally curious person, I went ahead and ordered the Fisherman's Platter. I deduced that the "scrod." was indeed some type of fish, but I was no closer to discovering its true identity than when I began eating. I decided to ask the waitress and I learned that S.C.R.O.D is actually an acronym that stands for "Seafood Caught Right Off the Dock" and in this case it was cod. Maybe this is common knowledge, but I thought it was pretty cool and that put together with the delicious clam chowder puts Boston back into the black.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = +1 pts

"9 Holes" Setting on the Treadmill (-5 pts)

So since the treadmill is basically in my room anyway, I decided to actually make use of it. I would feel bad if I used it solely as an alarm clock.

As I had expected, my nearly year-long hiatus from exercise had left me somewhat out of shape. And by "somewhat" I mean "embarrassingly". I managed to trudge through my run without too much whimpering and as I was winding down I noticed the pre-set workouts on the treadmill: "Cardio", "Weight Loss", "5K", "9 Holes"... wait did that just say "9 Holes"?

It did. This treadmill has a setting solely for guys who want to be in just enough shape to play 9 holes of golf. Not 18 holes, just 9. Naturally when I pushed the button I expected the treadmill to transform into a golf cart, but no such luck. Turns out that the setting consists of walking at 1 mph (context: that's really slow) while the incline of the treadmill slowly goes up and down. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that if you walked up the three flights of stairs from the lobby to the fitness center, that would be a better workout.

This almost got a positive score because it made me feel better about myself, but the lack of transforming treadmills is what swung it back the other way.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = -12 pts

Coke products (+7 pts)

Hailing from the suburbs of Atlanta, GA, I grew up on the sweet nectar that is Coca-Cola (except for a brief rebellious adolescent phase in which I drank Pepsi to be "different"). To put it in a ridiculously over-the-top poetic sort of way, Coke is the life-blood of the city. Unfortunately, in most of my travels north of the Mason-Dixon line, Coke products have been inexplicably unavailable. Surely even the inhabitants of the frozen recesses of the North must see that Coke is far superior to Pepsi in the areas of both taste and aggressive advertising!

Happily, that has not been the case in Boston. Every restaurant that I have visited so far has offered Coke, and for that, I commend you Boston.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = -7 pts

Guy named Mafioni (+9 pts)

On the way to dinner, I heard some girl yell down the street, "You're lucky I don't kill you Mafioni!" Mafioni? Mafioni! His name was Mafioni!! It's exactly what I just realized I would name my comic strip about a family of Italian gangsters who run a giant pasta empire. The only reason that Mafioni didn't break into double digits was because apparently he made some girl want to kill him on Valentine's Day. Not cool Mafioni, not cool.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = -14 pts

Nice hotel room... is next to the fitness center (-3 pts)

I noticed that the Fitness Center was next door to me when I checked in yesterday, which at the time seemed like it would be convenient since I plan on working out some while I'm here. However, when I woke up at 6am to the thumping sound of someone running on a treadmill, it somehow seemed less convenient and more... what's the word... inconvenient.

So much for that "upgrade" they gave me yesterday. Should've known it was too good to be true.

Cumulative Score:

Boston, MA = -23 points

Nice hotel room (+15 pts)

I'm staying at the Ames in downtown Boston (http://www.ameshotel.com/) and, as Ferris Bueller would say, it is choice.

There's a 12 ft ceiling, a 42" plasma, and a view right out onto State Street. The shower's so nice that it took me 20 minutes to figure out how to make it work (That's how you know it's good). I got upgraded to a room with a king-sized bed and there's also an alarm clock/radio with an iPod dock. This is becoming more common with hotels, but it's still a nice feature. The room has a very modern design, which is better than, say, a very ancient design because electricity and indoor plumbing are convenient.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = -20 pts

Boston sports teams (-30 pts)

Danny Karnik reminded me how awful the Boston pro sports teams are, so obviously that had to factor in here. And factor in it did.

Tom Brady who's a pompous jerk with no personality. Gronkowski who's 22, but thinks he's God's gift to football. BenJarvus Green-Ellis who has way too many names. Ochocinco who can't translate 85 into Spanish. Dustin Pedroia who's suspiciously suspicious-looking. Manny being Manny. Taylor Twellman who's equally annoying as a soccer player and a soccer announcer. Paul Pierce who throws up gang symbols for fun in playoff games. And Kevin Garnett, who needs no introduction (but if you're unfamiliar, he's known for head butting people Zidane-style). Even people in Boston don't like KG.

And that's just a sample. If there's a sports town with a group of more awful people than in Boston then please let me know, cause I can't think of one.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = -35 pts

Aggressive GreenPeace guys (-10 pts)

First of all, let me say that I do not hate the environment. I enjoy hiking and camping and I think that the environment should be protected. However, I do hate being yelled at about the environment.

Anybody who stops you on the street to talk to you about their cause can be a little off-putting, but the GreenPeace guys take it to a whole 'nother level. I overheard their coordinator telling them to stick out their arm and physically stop people on the sidewalk so that they could proceed to harass them about the wattage of their light bulbs.

Also, they smell gross.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = -5 pts

Harmonica Guy (+5 pts)

As I got off my plane at Logan International Airport, I passed an elderly man being pushed in a wheelchair. And he was just ajammin' on a harmonica. I love harmonicas.

Cumulative Score:
Boston, MA = +5 pts

Boston, MA

I will be up in the historic city of Boston, Massachusetts for the next two or three weeks.
Boston begins with a clean slate, 0 points.

Stay tuned...